Jacksonville For Life

"I got pregnant when I was just 17 years old. I was scared and alone. When I told my

family, they told me that if I had my baby, I would have to raise him on the streets,

because I would not have their support.

 

I was so heartbroken when I went to the clinic; I was detached. The memory is almost

like watching a movie. I can see myself pulling up to the clinic and walking in. My only

clear memory of that day is when I was on that table and looking at that machine

behind the doctor. The cramps I felt along with that horrible sound of my baby being

vacuumed out of me. That is a sound that will forever ring in my ears. At the time I was

told that my baby was just tissue, not formed into a baby yet. I didn’t know any better.

But now, after having 3 beautiful girls, I know that at 16 weeks my son was sucking his

thumb, moving around and could even feel pain. It is this knowledge that makes it the

hardest.

 

For years, I have pushed the pain down deep. Every time I would start to feel pain or

sorrow, I would just push it back down. I figured that after what I did, I deserved that

pain.

 

It was only 1 year after my son should have been born that I had my first daughter. I

was still very detached. I had the hardest time bonding with her.  I really thought that I

didn’t want to get close to her, because if I did, it would hurt too bad when she was

taken from me or worse, died. I thought, how could God possibly let me keep that

precious baby girl when I just murdered the first child that He had given to me? After

my second daughter was born, I went to the other extreme. I became over protective.

I didn’t want anyone other than me to drive them anywhere. What if they got into an

accident? I had a hard time leaving them with any one but family for fear they would be

hurt.

 

I have also had a very hard time making close friends. I have always kept people at

arms length, afraid they would find out my secret shame and hate me. I kept my dirty

little secret for way too long. But, you see, it wasn’t until this past year that I realized

that the pain I have been pushing down for years, trying to forget my abortion, was

hindering me from creating any kind of lasting bond with anyone, even my own

children.  The crying became more frequent, and I couldn’t push the pain down any

longer. It just wouldn’t go away anymore. A friend of mine shared her story with me

and told me she had found healing through a retreat and Bible study. It was then, that

I, too, found healing. Through my retreat and Bible study I was able to completely give

it all over to God and truly accept His forgiveness. I felt so free. If you would have

asked me last year if I would be  sharing my story I would have told you that you were

crazy! But my prayer is that my story will help others find the healing that my friend

and so many others have been able to find. If just one finds healing then speaking up is

worth it. And that  is why I am 'Silent No More'."